I am a seemingly normal person. I am married with two kids. I have achieved success in school and work. I have a nice house in a good neighborhood. I seem to have everything I need or want. The key word is SEEM. Appearances are superficial and shallow. I do not feel normal. I am a walking time bomb, and I never know what simple little thing will set me off into a rage of frustration or induce a fearful panic attack.
I've been wound tight for as far back as I can remember. I am not a perfectionist, but I am a control freak. I need to know every detail of everything, all of the time. My mind is never off. I plan for work in my sleep. I wake up super early everyday, so that I can mark things off my todo list. I have passion, drive, determination, and grit for success, and it has paid off nicely. I was successful in school graduating summa cum laude. My success continued in my professional career. I am a director of operations in a growing outsourcing business. I appreciate that the "on switch" in my brain has afforded me the luxury of success.
The downside of being constantly "on" has become increasingly apparent. I am irritable and unhappy most of the time. My world is full of personal complaints and frustrations. I don't feel happy or content. I never feel like I can sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I am always hard or myself. I am my own biggest critic and my own worst enemy. My negativity flows into my close relationship making them toxic and unstable. I feel alone and sad. The is a constant dim voice in my head on an infinite loop asking "Is this what life is, ugh?" Many things in my personal life are in taters. My marriage, which once seemed invincible, is unstable. My kids are showing signs of instability and depression. My world feels small, dark, and pointless.
Recently, I had a short couple counseling session with my husband's therapist. He mentioned that he feels incapable of making me happy, so I explained why I felt so unhappy. I pegged all of my unhappiness on a dirty house. I explained that because I grew-up in an embarrassingly filthy house that a dirty home makes met feel anxious and irritable. The therapist asked me a few follow-up questions, and then she said "you have signs of post-childhood PTSD." <<Insert eye roll>> I've never been a supporter of counseling or therapy. I'm a strong believer in self-responsibility and self-reliance. Therapy never fit into my vision of a strong, independent woman.
None-the-less, the therapist created a curiosity for me. PTSD is real, and it is treatable. If my unhappiness stems from unseen issues related to my childhood then maybe I can create change and become a happier person. I decided to do a little research, and I came across a book called "Childhood Disrupted". This book inspired me to try a few new things, which led me to this blog. I'm just starting my journey, and I have no idea whether or not it will be successful. I do know that I am open minded, and I want to be happy. Why not trying something new?